Whispers Of Loss
by Kathryn Lucas
Summary: Scully's POV. Scully's pain over the loss of Emily is overshadowed by the


From: "Kathryn Lucas" Fri, 23 Oct 1998 02:40:28 PDT

Subject: New Story: 'Whispers Of Loss'

'Whispers of Loss'

By Kathryn Lucas

Summary – Scully's POV. Scully's pain over the loss of Emily is overshadowed by the

return of Samantha.

Spoilers - Emily

Please let me know what you think. I love feedback. Of Loss' By Kathryn Lucas

You look over at him and try to smile.

The pain in his eyes devastates you. You are swept with a multitude of emotions. A deep

sadness that he feels this way, you feel so close to him that it is hard to distinguish his pain

from your own. But also anger at the people who have done this to him. Who keep doing

this to him, every day. And guilt, that as much as you care for this man and would

sacrifice anything for him, you cannot ease this burden.

He meets your gaze and you see him try to return your smile, but he knows you

understand that this day is hard for him and always will be. You see the gratitude in his

face that you have not mentioned it. You know that he doesn't wish to speak of the pain.

That right now it is too strong to be confronted. Memories consume him and you feel

unable to pull him away from them.

It is November 27th 1998. Exactly a quarter of a century since the night which had

shaped his life forever. The memories of that night haunt him every day but you know

that today they will seem more real than ever. That today he will feel the guilt at never

finding what was taken from him that night. And the immeasurable pain at not knowing if

she is even alive. His sister.

You can't even begin to imagine his pain. Though you too have suffered greatly for your

common goal. You have lost a sister and a daughter along with the chance to bear your

own children. The loss of your daughter is something you still have not faced. You lack

the strength to confront the enormity of the void her death has left. You knew her for such

a short time. You feel robbed and the fact that you can never bear children of your own

leaves you feeling as though the void can never be filled.

Yet, somehow in your mind your troubles pale into insignificance next to his. His pain

hurts you more than your own.

The shrill ring of the telephone interrupts the stillness of the office. You pick it up quickly,

preparing to dismiss whoever it is; he doesn't need this today. You are surprised by the

gruff voice at the end of the line.

"Agent Scully?" It asks.

"Yes," You venture hesitantly

"You must get Agent Mulder to Georgetown medical centre immediately. His sister is

dying" The voice says betraying no emotion.

"Who..." You begin but the line goes dead. Mulder turns to you expectantly and you feel

the true weight of the words you are about to utter. As you realise that what you are

about to say will change his life forever you are glad that it is you that must tells him. You

know he trusts you.

"Mulder, it's Sam..." You begin and his face falls as he recognises the tone of your voice.

"What's happened?" He asks before you can say anything more.

"I don't know. It was a man telling me to get you to the Georgetown medical centre to

see her. He said she was dying."

He stands and gets his coat. You feel a wave of pain wash over you as you see the look

in his eyes.

It is the day he has been dreading all his life.

You are trying not to lose your temper with the intern, but you are dangerously close to

breaking point.

"Samantha Mulder" You repeat. And at last he finds her chart. You thank God for your

ID and the access it allows you to things such as this. But as you flip through her chart

your spirits plummet. There are some strikingly familiar features that confront you.

Mulder walks up to you. And you take a deep breath. You take his hand and lead him to

a seat away from everyone else.

"Mulder..." you begin not sure how to continue

"Is she dying?" He asks bluntly

"Yes. Mulder she is." You silently thank him for the straightforward question.

"How long?" He seems to distance himself from the emotion.

"I can't be sure but not more than a day or two. Probably only hours." Your heart feels so

heavy as you utter these words. You wonder to yourself from where this strength is

emerging.

"What is it?" He asks again just as flatly. But you know your answer will prompt a

response.

"A Nasal Pharagenaol Tumour." You say and he looks up sharply. "Its type and

placement almost identical to mine."

"Then maybe we can save her Scully, I saved you..." He begins but he stops as I drop

my head.

"Mulder, she has refused all treatment from the beginning and has had A DNR order in

here from the day of her diagnosis. She doesn't want help."

"Why would she do that?" He asks

"Maybe you should ask her," you say leading him to meet the person he has been

searching for, for twenty-five years.

He enters the room cautiously. She is ashen and extremely thin but it is her. Any doubt

about that has been quashed by the tests the doctors have run. It is really her this time. He

crosses the room to sit beside her and grabs her hand. She stirs.

"Sam?..." He croaks out, his voice on the verge of cracking.

The sad figure turns to him, then recognition sweeps across her features. "Fox?"

"Oh Sam, what's happened? Why?..." The questions spill out on top of each other.

"Fox, I haven't long left. Please don't press me for answers. They did this to me and there

is nothing I can do about it let's leave it at that."

"But, Sam the chip from your neck..." He begins desperately.

"Fox, there is no chip to save me. The other woman died because they removed the chip.

I never had a chip to remove. I have been engineered since that first abduction to die

now, twenty-five years later. There is no way out of this and frankly I don't want there to

be."

"Sam..." His voice is sad and you can hear the tears behind it.

"Fox, listen to me" She says her voice gaining determination. "I've lived like this for long

enough, this is my chance to end it, to die in peace. "

"I should call Mom, " He says suddenly.

"Mulder," you say, "I'll call her you stay with Sam."

You slip out of the room and head to the phone, trying to muster the courage to tell a

woman who has already lost her daughter once that she is about to lose her again. You

have a first hand account of the depth of that pain and your heart goes out to this woman.

You pick up the phone and dial the number.

"Hello?" A voice answers, cheerful blissfully unaware of the news she is about to receive.

"Mrs Mulder?" You say, "This is Dana Scully...

You slip back into the hospital room.

"Mulder," You say hating to interrupt the precious time he has left. He turns to you. "Your

Mom is coming, but she won't be here until tomorrow morning at the earliest. " You try

not to let you doubts of her making it in time show. But he knows you too well and can

read volumes into everything you say. "I'll wait outside.." You begin to turn but his eyes

plead with you to stay.

"You don't have to go Scully," he says. So you don't. You sit in the corner of the room

and listen to Mulder trying to tell his sister about his life. You can tell he is trying not to let

her know how much her disappearance has haunted him. Trying to spare her the guilt you

suppose, that sort of selfless action is typical of this man. You remind yourself how lucky

you are to have him in your life.

She lies there listening to him occasionally smiling. "But you never married?" she asks

"No" He answers simply.

"Fox, you had better get your skates on, you know Mom always wanted grandchildren."

He tried to smile in response and she seemed satisfied. But you can see through his

charade. He has never been able to hide his pain from you.

"I'll keep that in mind" he whispers

"So, your work is the most important thing in your life?' She asks almost unbelievingly.

You wonder if he will try to explain what his search for her means to him or what the X-

Files have come to mean to us both. Or whether he will just nod and leave it at that. You

know he won't lie to her. But his response surprises you.

"No," He says quietly "It is not the most important thing."

"Then what is?" Sam asks without hesitation

"Scully" He answers softly but firmly and you feel a lump rise in your throat and tears

threaten to fall.

Sam smiles. "Maybe those grandchildren aren't that far off after all. "

You hand Mulder a cup of coffee and sit down. It is nearly dawn and you know it won't

be long now before Sam is gone. You glance over at her. She looks tired but happy as

her brother continues to talk of everything and nothing all at once.

"Remember that time we went to the Grand Canyon? " He asks smiling at the memory

"And Dad was obsessed with taking pictures of us every two seconds." He doesn't go on

to mention how soon afterwards she disappeared and that his father's behaviour was

explained by the discovery that he had known his daughter was going to be taken.

He carries on with the increasingly one-sided conversation. Sam occasionally ventures

one-word responses or slow sentences but remains, for the most part, silent. Then he

begins to notice how laboured her breathing has become.

He looks at you, fear in his eyes. And you send up an irrational prayer that everything will

be all right.

"Fox..."Sam says slowly. "I love you...I'm so glad you found me."

He grabs her hand and holds it tightly as if somehow his grip will keep her with him. "I

wish I'd found you sooner, there was so much..." His voice cracks and he shakes his

head unable to continue.

"I know" Sam whispers and she slips away.

He stands with his mother by the grave. It has been three weeks. The funeral service was

small and simple. You were the only non-family member present. Today, the grave

marker has been laid and he has brought his mother to see it. The inscription is short but

speaks volumes,

"Samantha.

Beloved daughter and sister.

Returned to us to say goodbye. "

You stand at a distance. He has barely spoken to you since it happened. The morning

after the funeral he arrived at work and has been acting as thought nothing had happened.

You were not prepared for this from him. You are at a loss as to what to do. You know

he needs you to be there but you are not strong enough to watch him in pain.

He leads his mother away and into the car. He looks back at you and gives a smile of

thanks. And climbs into the seat. He drives away. You walk slowly up the path and place

some flowers on Sam's grave. You stand there for a long time. Although you only met this

woman for the last few hours of her life, you feel very connected to her. She symbolised

many things in your life.

You walk further down the cemetery to a grave you seldom have the courage to visit. The

simple cross reads only 'Emily'. But to you it says so much more. You look over at the

church and suddenly your anger directs itself at God. You and Mulder are decent people,

you have both given up many things in the pursuit of things you believe to be right. Yet

you are dealt blow after blow.

"Why?" You whisper into the wind. But the breeze has no answers, it continues to rustle

the leaves and blow your hair into your eyes. Offering no support.

You knock on the door for the third time. There is still no reply. You know he is in there.

But he is unwilling to see you. He hasn't been at work for three days and you haven't

spoken to him in that time. This is the longest you have been without contact with him in

as long as you can remember.

You are worried. He seemed to be bottling his emotions up and you fear that it may have

become too much for him. Sam had been the light and the end of the tunnel for him. The

meaning to his work, his lifeline. And now she is gone. You thought he would come to

you if he needed you, but the more you consider it the more you realise he would

consider it an imposition upon you. He finds it very hard to share his feelings, especially

uninvited.

You put your key in the lock and turn it. As you push the door you can here the soft

sound of jazz floating through the apartment. You step inside and close the door behind

you.

"Mulder? " You call and you hear him get up from the couch. He walks over to you. "I

didn't hear you knock Scully, " You wonder idly why he bothers to lie. He knows that

you can always tell his truths from his lies.

"Mulder you look awful, " You say bluntly

"That's strange because you look beautiful" He replies easily. In another place at another

time that statement would have produced and warm feeling within you. But concern for

him overshadows your feelings.

" Mulder, I was worried," You say sitting on his couch.

"Sorry Scully, " he replies setting himself down beside you. "There were just some things

I needed to work out."

"Mulder take all the time you need, I know this is hard for you. I wish you would let me

help you." You take his hand.

"I'm fine Scully, really" He says squeezing your hand.

"No. You're not Mulder!" You say angrily. "Look at yourself, why won't you let me help

you? Don't you trust me?"

He seems taken aback by your tone. " Scully, of course I trust you."

"Then let me help." You say simply

"Scully, I don't know what to do " he begins and you can see his walls begin to crumble.

" Mulder, just tell me what you're feeling." You whisper gripping his hand tighter as you

see the tears well up in his eyes and feel your own eyes filling also.

"Oh Scully, It's not damn fair!" He cries as he buries his head in your shoulder and lets

the tears fall. "I only found her to lose her again. "

"I know, Mulder," You whisper as your own tears fall. You pull him closer and his arms

slip around you. "I know."

You squeeze his hand and he grips yours back just as tightly. You walk together down

the grassy aisle, between stones proclaiming the ends of many lives. You are both

clutching flowers. You stop by Emily's grave and place your bouquet at the cross. You

both stand there and then you begin to speak. Telling him of your anger at her death and

her painful life, of your pain at never being able to have another child. The words tumble

out, only just coherent. He says nothing; he just stands there by your side grasping your

hand.

After a time you move to Samantha's grave. And this time it is Mulder who speaks.

Talking of his own anger and bitterness. In the cold windy cemetery you both begin to

feel your burdens lighten. The pain begins to ease.

You know that from now on, things will be better. Because you have decided to share

your pain, realising that together you are much stronger. And that standing alone when

you both need each other so much is only causing you both more pain.

As you walk away hand in hand you see a sparkle in his eyes, which makes you smile.

You both have a lot of pain to deal with. But you know, no matter what torments the

future may throw at you, you will be able to deal with them.

Together.

THE END!

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